witze & witze & witze

[carolusmagnus]

[carolusmagnus]

[Pikashu]

Mailman's last day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

.

.

.

[Pikashu]

All about money


A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."

"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."

"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.

"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."

The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"

.

.

.

[Pikashu]

Booka


Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.

The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

.

.

.

[Pikashu]

Four kinds of sex


There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

.

.

.

[Pikashu]

More fingers


This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

.

.

.

[Pikashu]

Three husbands


A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

.

.

.

[Lattman]

Hi Pikashu,
haste die Witze auch in einer Sprache die ich beherrsche?

[Pikashu]

Deinem Profil nach hätte ich jetzt aber angenommen, dass Du eine flinke Zunge hast. Zum Trost bekommst Du ein paar Smilies von mir, die sind international verständlich.

.

Sorry, aber stell Dir einfach vor, ein Saarländer hätte die Witze erzählt. Dann hättest Du auch nichts verstanden!

Gruß
Pikashu

.

.

.

[MrCumshot]

Kommt ne Oma zum Metzger:
"Ich hätt gern Salami
Fragt der Metzger:
Am Stück oder in Scheiben?"
Reiss die Oma ihren Rock hoch und sagt:
"Is dat ne Pussy oder´n
CD-Player???"

[Roadrunner]

...wenn das mal keine Punkte in Flensburg gibt!

[Pikashu]

Question: what is the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Answer: spitting, swallowing, and gargeling

.

.

[Pikashu]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other ?

I'll see you next month.

.

.

[Pikashu]

One morning, as Gary is getting ready for work, he happens to pass his daughter's room and overhears her saying her prayers. "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye Grandpa." He finds it odd but thinks no more of it.

Later that day when he comes home from work, there is bad news. Gary's father suffered a heart attack, but nothing could be done to save him.

A few months later, Gary once again hears his daughter as she prays: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma." Now Gary becomes a little afraid, remembering what happened before with his father.

Sure enough, his mother is found to have died in her sleep that morning. Now Gary is convinced the girl must be in touch with someone or something on the other side, so every morning he listens to her prayers.

He hears nothing out of the ordinary until again, a few months later: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

Now Gary is frightened. At work, it's all he can focus on. He doesn't leave his office for lunch, and when it's time to come home for the day, he doesn't even do that. Instead he insists on staying in the office, telling everyone he has a lot of work that must be done. As the seconds, minutes, and hours tick away, Gary finds himself literally shaking with fear, and he has crawled underneath his desk, eyes glued to his watch, tick, tick, tick...

Finally, it is past midnight and Gary is still alive. He decides maybe the "curse" on him is broken, so he leaves the office and drives home.

As soon as he opens the front door, his wife is there. "Where have you been?!?!" she asks. "Honey," Gary starts, "I have had one of the roughest days of my entire life and I'm just glad to be home."

"You think YOU'VE had a hard day?!?," she screams. "Today the mailman dropped dead on our front step!!!"

.

.

[pandabär]

Und führet mich nicht in Versuchung

sondern suchet mich in der Unterführung....

Alternativ : "Sondern versucht "es" mal in der Unterführung..."

-grinnnsss-

[pandabär]

MAZDA :
"Müll auf zwei dünnen Achsen"

GOLF :
"Gerät ohne logische Funktion"

BMW :
"Bald mein Wagen"

OPEL :
"Offensichtlich Prolet, eventuell Landwirt"

SEAT :
"Sehr einfach, aber teuer"

FIAT :
"Für Italiener ausreichende Technik"


Oh, oh, gleich wirds wohl Haue geben...

[Lattman]

BMW :
"Bald mein Wagen"
Bayrischer Mist Waggen

FIAT :
"Für Italiener ausreichende Technik"
Fehler in allen Teilen

A-Klasse
Auto kippt leicht auf Seite siehe Elchtest

[pandabär]

A-Klasse
Auto kippt leicht auf Seite siehe Elchtest

Und nochmal FIAT :
"Fauler Italiener aus Turin"

[my2cents]

FIAT:
Fehler in allen Teilen

OPEL:
Oh Prima: Er Läuft!!!

Ford:
Fast ohne Reklamationen durchgekommen (beim ersten TÜV)

Zum Fiesta fällt mir der hier noch ein:
Man soll die Fiesta feiern, wie sie zerfallen.